Dear smelly-cloud mum in the school playground,
Hi! You have probably noticed me, spluttering and sneezing as you walk past…
I’m not saying that you haven’t had a wash for a while, but my gosh, what on earth are you trying to cover up with the amount of perfume you have sprayed?? It seems like you just don’t know when to stop… Or which perfume to use, as I get that many scents when you walk past me, that I think you must have attacked a perfume shop. I hate to say it love, but have you ever heard the expression, “smells like a whores handbag..?” Yeah.
Here’s an idea… Have a shower to get rid of the amount of spray you’re wearing. Then, next time you come to school, if you really want to wear some perfume – please do! But you only need a quick spritz… That way, I won’t come home smelling like you.
Dear MAC expert mum in the school playground,
I wonder why you feel like you have to use a trowel to apply your make-up? I can see that your foundation would have to be removed with a shovel.
Why do you need your eyelashes to stick out further than your boobs? Which, by the way, I can tell that you have tried to contour the bust-line, as you haven’t blended it properly.
Wow, that’s a really pretty lipstick colour… I’ve seen a couple of girls in Amsterdam wear the same colour.
I have to admit that I’ve seen your look before. It was a specific episode of The Simpsons, when Homer invented a make-up gun. Have you seen it?
More importantly, I can see your daughter with make-up on too. She’s only 5. Why would you let her wear make-up to school? There’s plenty of time for her to wear it on a weekend, or even when she’s older – why rush her out of childhood?
My advice to you is just to step back. It’s not even 9am, and you look like you’re going out on the town. Try googling “day time make-up looks”.
Dear “clique” mums in the school playground,
Hi, err, excuse me, mind if I cut in..? Oops, I can see that you’re in deep conversation about what you got up to at the weekend, but I just want to say a couple of things.
It’s great that you have such good mum-friends. Those are really hard to find – especially if they are as close to you as they seem to be. No doubt that you all get together of a weekend, and during the school holidays for day-trips and the like. I bet you’re all even that close that you sometimes leave the kids at home, and go for nights out.
Wow, I have to admit – I am a little envious.
I just have one thing to to say… You see that woman, standing over there in the corner? She doesn’t have any friends. She feels like it’s just her and her child. She’s a lovely woman, with a heart of gold. If you talk to her, you’ll realise that she’ll fit in with your group perfectly… She just doesn’t have the confidence to say hello, and you make it seem like you don’t mind other people (like me) talking to you, but really, you just want us to go away so you can continue your gossip.
Just open your eyes. That’s all. I know it’s great having friends, but other people aren’t so lucky.
Dear mum who lets her 9 year old daughter take her 6 year old brother to school,
Hi. I’m a parent of one of your son’s classmates. I have never met you – I have never even seen you.
I don’t know what is going on in your life, and I don’t want to interfere, but I must say just one thing.
Our sons both started at the schools’ nursery at the same time. They’ve been friends – not close, but friends, through nursery, Reception class, and now in year 1. That’s 3 years that I have never seen you.
Do you even exist? Do these lovely children even have a mum? Has something happened..?
Both of your children are lovely. My son often talks about your son, and I am pleased they do sometimes play together. Your daughter always stays with her younger brother until his teacher comes out to take his class inside. She then has to run out of the playground, down the road a short distance, and cross a very busy road to get to her own class. I think she is always late – maybe only by a couple of minutes, but late, never-the-less. I have never heard her complain. Not once. She is such a lovely girl, and I have watched her “tidy-up” her little brother, so he doesn’t go in to school with his shirt hanging out.
Let me tell you, mum, you truly do have two amazing children, but I am concerned that you let them take themselves to school without adult supervision. Is everything ok? Do you need help..?
Dear worn-out looking mum in the school playground,
Psst! I can see you… Hiding in the corner, in the shade, hoping that no one can see you. Hey, I get it – you have probably been chasing your kids around the house, making sure they have eaten all of their breakfast, washed their faces, brushed their teeth, and were getting dressed properly. “What’s that, beloved child of mine, you have lost one of your shoes..? Again..?” Yeah. I know what that’s like.
I can tell you are trying to hide your quickly tied up hair, and I can see the stain on your t-shirt… Don’t worry mum, you got your son to school on time, and he looks good, in his freshly washed uniform. You’ve only got to take your little one to nursery, then you can go home.
Now, do yourself a favour, and go and put the kettle on, and take an hour or two just for you. You’re doing a great job, mum, and you may not feel it, but you are allowed to take a time out.