I don’t know if it was just me, but this has been the longest. summer. ever.
We ran out of things to do way back in July. The fact that my little man has just gone back to school – fan-freaking-tastic!
He’s only been back 5 days, and already, I have seen it begin. The comments. From the parents.
Listen, we’ve all gone through school decorum before, but before it really begins… Let’s get some things out of the way.
1. Let’s start with the basics: If your kid is sick/has incurable lice/the plague … For the love of all that’s holy, keep them at home. No one wants that nonsense.
2. Do not ask about my child’s medical history. At school. While we are dropping them off.
“OMG, does he have ADHD? Is he taking medicine? He looks kind of autistic. Did you vaccinate your kids? I have so many opinions on this I am going to tell you while we are trying to make sure our kids still have their backpacks / jackets / shoes / brains!”
3. Self validation bait questions.
“I am told all the time I don’t look old enough to have a 5-year-old. Do you think I look that old?”
Yeah. Actually, you do look that old. In fact, I probably would have said older.
4. Working mother’s vs. SAHM: Neither of you need to comment on the other.
5. Do not comment on what other parents are wearing.
If it is before 9 am, and I have nowhere to go for the day besides dropping my son off at school, chances are I’m not finding my lipstick and heels. Or bra. Unless you’re about to tell me you love my quickly-thrown-on jogging bottoms, covered in the kids’ breakfasts, don’t speak.
6. You do not need to comment on what my child is or isn’t doing.
“That’s too bad you don’t have your kids enrolled in advanced maths. I have my kids in advanced maths, and chess, and lacrosse, and drama, and . . .”
We get it. Your kids are friggin’ amazing. I wouldn’t want my son on the same team(s) as your kids anyway. Besides – he’s only 4.
7. You do not need to compare our kids.
“Your kid doesn’t know Gaelic? Mine started doing that on his/her own two years ago.”
Is é sin go hiontach, cares aon duine. (“That’s great. No one cares.”)
No one even speaks Gaelic anymore, dude. Unless you live in the Highlands and Islands of Scotland. Which we don’t.
8. You do not need to compare our significant others, either.
“My wife/husband doesn’t work. They stay at home to make sure they have so much time with the kids…” Yeah, well… Mine works bloody hard, out of the house, during the day to make sure that we are well looked after / clothed / fed…
9. You especially don’t need to comment on anyone’s relationship status.
“Oh, you’re not married? I just assumed you were . . . ”
“OMG, my husband has been working for two nights in a row. Single mothers,amirite?”
NOPE. You are NOT a single parent unless you do NOT have a partner…
10. Unless the person to whom you are speaking is a really, super-close friend, do not stand in the school parking lot and casually mention how much money you spent on your month long Mediterranean cruise while you were having your entire house redecorated with plated gold and landscaped with magical secret unicorn pampas grass you had imported from Nepal.
Some of us commoners who couldn’t afford holiday at all this year might feel the desire to punch you in the face.
Have a great school year!