“Choo choo”

I just got home from work, and needed a wee, so – as you do, I popped to the bathroom, and shut the door behind me.

Next thing you know, the door opens, and a certain 1 year old joins me.  He then insisted that I couldn’t move until I read a book to him…

So, what should have been a 60 second affair turned in to 10 minutes of sitting on the toilet, pants around ankles, with a child on my knee, whilst reading about a little blue train that goes “Choo choo”.

The joys of parenthood.

Car conversations with my 4 yr old

Conversation in the car between my 4 year old and I, last night:

Gning: “You look like a Numtum”
Me: “Well, you are a Numtum”
Gning: “Well, you’re a tumnum”
Me: “Well, you’re smelly”
Gning: “Well, you’re Mr. Maker”
Me: “I’m not Mr. Maker, I’m Mrs. Maker. I make best things in the world anyway. Do you know why?”
Gning: “Why?”
Me: “Because I made you and your brother”.

Expecting silence from this point, but no. Gning always has to have the last word…

Gning: “You didn’t make me and (my brother) – God did.”

’nuff said.

Cucumber toes

Donut enjoyed a wonderful bath whilst the Gning had a nap.  On awaking, Gning went to kiss Donuts’ feet…

“They smell like cucumbers…” he said.

I laughed, and asked “how can they smell like cucumber?  He’s just had a bath!”

Gning replied, “his toes are like cucumbers.  They’re really long…  He has cucumber toes.”

You couldn’t make it up.

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                                “I have cucumber toes?”

I need to tell you something… You smell.

New mummies, don’t get mad at me, but I’m about to say some things that might be a little hard to hear. Just listen. I’m coming from a place of no judgment. I’m coming from a place of love. I’m saying these things because you need to hear them and because I care about you and because your friends can’t tell you because you’re a crazy person right now…  Believe me.  I know all of this, because I’ve been there.  Twice.

5 Things New Mummies Need to Hear:

1. You need to put the Internet away for a at least the first month. Your baby doesn’t have that rare illness that you’re reading about. You don’t need to read that story about the mum dropping her baby, or forgetting it somewhere, or a random cat breaking into the house and eating the infant. You don’t need to ask Facebook what formula, or nappies, or sleep training method is right. People have been having babies for a *couple* of years without the Internet, and it seemed to work out just fine. Phone a friend.  Phone your mum.  Because, generally speaking, people on the Internet are arseholes.

2. No, we won’t vote for your baby. Your baby is absolutely the most precious little thing on the planet. We get it, but no one is going to vote for them for the cutest baby contest – even if it does mean you could win a all expenses paid trip around the world for two. Send the link to your parents and if they can figure out how to actually vote, you’re set, because they were the only people who were going to vote anyway. You’ve just saved yourself a tiny little shred of embarrassment. You’re welcome.

3. Sweetie, you stink.  I’m sorry, but if you think that you stink, it’s more than likely because you do.  It’s true.  I’m going to blame it on the hormones, or maybe it’s stress sweat, or maybe it’s because you haven’t showered in days, but you smell a little ripe.  Take a few minutes for yourself and go take a shower.  Please.

4. If you’re feeling crazy, it’s because you are. You’re supposed to be a little crazy right now. You’re probably a little nervous, excited, scared, and exhausted, and you have hormones bouncing around like ping-pong balls. It’s ok.  Honestly.  Just focus on that little model baby of yours and cry in the privacy of your own shower.

5. You’re doing great and you WILL feel normal again one day…  Not today, but one day.  I still quite often look at people whilst I’m out and about, and thinking “LOOK AT THEM! Walking around all normal! Will I ever walk around like a normal person with normal thoughts? Will I ever enjoy a glass of wine again? (Not that I drink anyway, but…)  Will I ever sleep, like REALLY sleep, and not just sort of drift?” It all happens. You sleep. You drink. You walk. You find a new normal-ish…  Just not today, but it will happen. I promise.

Dear 3 year old. You’re making the baby cry.

Dear sweet, precious 3 year old of mine,

I know that you love your baby brother so much that you want to squeeze him, but he doesn’t like having all his insides shoved into his chest.

I know that you have this weird ear fetish right now, and you think that other people like having their ears pinched together. But no one likes that.

I know you were only trying to give the baby a drink of water because you thought he was thirsty. But I’m sure you know that his mouth is not on top of his head, and now he’s soaking wet.

I know you were just chasing Daleks on your stick horse, but you trampled the baby and smacked him in the face in the process.

I know you were just trying to help him stand up because you wanted him to walk, but his legs aren’t strong enough yet, and neither are you, based on how you dropped him.

I know you were just trying to give him a hug, but you knocked him down sumo-style instead.

I know you were trying to help feed the baby, but onion skins are not for eating and, as it turns out, get stuck to the roof of one’s mouth – and you know, sweetheart, he only has milk.

I know you just wanted to cuddle, but when you climbed in his crib and fell on him, you scared him shitless.

I know you were just copying MmyMmy and pretending to eat his chubby thigh. But when MmyMmy does it, she doesn’t use her teeth.

I know you wanted to teach the baby how to catch, but now he has a black eye.

I know you still don’t grasp that pinching people hurts them. But it does.

I know you really wanted to play with the baby’s toy even though you have 100 of your own, but dammit, he had it first.

I know you were only trying to get him dressed, but you have to undo the buttons before trying to ram his head through it.

I know you were just trying to give the baby a treat, but he’s too young for chocolate. Now I’m the bad guy who took it away and there is chocolate EVERYWHERE.

I know that you just wanted to play hide and seek and thought that the best place for him to hide would be underneath a blanket, but he hated that.

I know you told him to run before you shot the arrow at him, but he can’t even crawl yet.

In conclusion, my dear, sweet little angel of a toddler: I know that you love your baby, and are confused as to why he starts crying when he hears your angelic, screaming voice coming his way, but for the love of God LEAVE THE BABY ALONE!

Because you’re making the baby cry.

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Day 16 – 50 Haha’s

Here’s 50 terrible jokes, that made me giggle…

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.

6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.

11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.

13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

14. Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.

16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.

17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.

20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.

22. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

23. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

24. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.

25. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.

26. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.

27. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.

28. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

29. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”

30. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.

31. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!

32. Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

33. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.

34. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

36. Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

37. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

38. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

39. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

40. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

41. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.

42. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.

43. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.

44. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.

45. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

46. You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.

47. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

48. Dry erase boards are remarkable.

49. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

50. How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

*Please note that these jokes are not my own.  I merely copied them from here