Here’s 50 terrible jokes, that made me giggle…
1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
14. Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.
22. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
23. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
24. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
25. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
26. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.
27. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
28. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
29. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”
30. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
31. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
32. Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
33. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
34. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
37. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
38. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
39. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
40. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
41. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
42. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.
43. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.
44. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.
45. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
46. You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.
47. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
48. Dry erase boards are remarkable.
49. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
50. How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
*Please note that these jokes are not my own. I merely copied them from here
Well ladies and gentlemen, I have done it. This is my 100th post.
I should really write about something really interesting, or something that would make people laugh or go “ooooo”, but… I am actually struggling in what to write.
I know… I’ll do a list.
Here’s some *myths* thought of the English (and some truths too…) with some pictures to help!
- We are very polite (obviously never met me)
- We like to queue (ok, a little bit of truth in that one)
- We say “pip pip” and “tally ho old chap” (only in a joke… Unless you’re posh)
- We eat crumpets all the time (hardly – they’re too expensive)
- We eat ‘English Muffins’ all the time (nope – actually, that’s more of an American thing)
- We all love scones (as long as they come plastered with jam and clotted cream)
- We have bad teeth (we have ‘real’ teeth – we don’t get our teeth capped at the first opportunity)
- We all eat fish & chips (quite true!)
- We don’t complain (ha! Actually, we complain all the time – “waiter! This meal isn’t fit enough for the rats in your kitchen!”
- We all come from London (wrong!)
- You can drive to Paris for a day trip (yeah, because it’d only take you 8hr 19 to get there from where I live (thank you Google directions 😀 ha ha))
- We are all British (I’m English. I am not Scottish, not Welsh, not Irish… I am not British. I am English)
- We’re all upper-class (nope – I’m good old ‘working class’ and proud)
- Tea-drinkers (ok, this one is true too)
- We all drink from china teacups, and we have to have a saucer (tea does taste better from a china cup, but give me a builders mug any day)
- We all know the Queen (of course, dear, she comes round for tea and crumpets, daily; lol)
- Warm beer (nope. Lager is served from the fridge – Beer (i.e. bitter, real ale, stout) is served at room temperature)
- Football hooligans (mmm… So, so. Yes, the majority of the hooligans come from England, but not every football fan is a hooligan – Oh! By the way… That’s ‘soccer’ to you Americans 😛 ha ha x)
- It always rains in England (almost completely true!)
- We swear too much (yep)
- We all live in castles (of course! I’ll just let my hair down from the tower…)
- We give our foods unusual names, such as toad in the hole, Welsh rarebit and bangers & mash (true!)
- Everyone owns a dog, and looks after it better than themselves or their children (nope)
- We’re all cricket fans (actually, a minority like cricket)
- We all have a stiff-upper lip (hmmm…)
- We’re all Morris Dancers (again, nope – I can’t stand it)
- We eat jellied eels… (Eww! *bluergh*)
- Everyone is a chef (not true, although the worlds’ most famous chefs are English)
- We’re all for ‘Queen and Country’ (maybe 50 years ago…)
- We all smoke (not true)
- We’re all prudes (actually, we’re not quite up to scratch with Germany, but we’re definitely not prudish)
- We have mastered sarcasm (absolute truth)
- We have all had a nanny or an au pair as a child (thanks Supernanny and Mary Poppins, but not everyone can afford you)
- Everyone in England is pale skinned (if you a true Brit, you should be pale skinned and fair haired, aka an ‘English Rose’)
- London is constantly covered in smog (sometimes, yes)
- We’re all witches (nope)
- We complain when it rains; we complain when it’s sunny; we complain when it snows; we complain when it’s windy (ALL TRUE)
- We’re punctual (I’m late for everything, so wrong..!)
- We all wear socks with sandals (noooooo!!)
- We all look like Mr. Bean or Austin Powers (lol)
- We all talk like Austin Powers (nooo! Well, maybe in London 😉 lmao)
- We all love gardening (if you saw my gardens, you’d very much disagree)
- We are all in to antiques (I like old stuff, but I don’t go hunting for it)
Sorry for my post not being that impressive today, although I thought some of the above was worth a giggle. See you all tomorrow ❤